Algorithm Song Challenge

The NZIMA programme in Algorithmics sponsored a competition to produce a song on the topic of algorithms. There is a well -known parody of Billy Joel's "For the Longest Time", but this is 20 years old, and we were sure that New Zealand could produce something of comparable, if not higher, standard.

The entry was open to anyone resident in New Zealand. The song had to be to the tune of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire".

The winner was Danver Braganza who submitted the following song:

Still too slow for me (to the tune of It's still rock and roll to me, by Billy Joel)

Lyrics copyright Danver Braganza 2009

What's the matter with the sort I'm using?
Can't you tell that it takes too long?
Maybe Bubble Sort's the wrong way to go
Wanna finish by the end of this song...
Maybe I should not be trying to sort it in place?
Would it be better if it ran in ex-pon-en-ti-al space?!
All right, rewrite, One more try to get it right
It still runs too slow for me!

What's the matter with the code I'm writing?
Can't you tell that it's out of style?
Do you think that I should write in Java?
Only if you really like to compile!
Scripting languages are winning these days, newbie
Perhaps you should be programming in python, perl or ruby?
Boo hiss! Cache miss! Excuse me while I page to disk,
It still runs too slow for me!

You oughtta read the stuff they say in the textbook
You just gotta optimise,
Dividing and Conquering, but you fail at recurring
So your stack goes off and silently cries
I'm sorry for your code's demise...

How about I port the code to C and
See if that makes it fast enough
What the hell, now I've corrupted the heap, man
Writing C is way too tough!
Don't waste your time, just use the language you like,
You're likely to do better if your algorithm is right!
New thought: Merge Sort, written just as it ought,
It still runs too slow for me

Maybe I should go and talk to the smart kids,
Look at what they are handing in,
I've no clue what they are talking about,
And besides, plagiarism's a sin
Now there's a message from the lecturer on Cecil,
It turns out that the time requirements were too excessive,
New run, What fun! Looks like the assignment's done--
It's now fast enough for me!